The tears finally came.

We've had so many issues with this Broviac. After they rewired it, the red lumen stopped giving blood. It hadn't been an urgent issue because they could use the opposite side (double lumen, she has two tubes going into her chest to infuse medicine and take blood). But because a certain anti-graft rejection medicine is going into the white side, they couldn't draw blood from it because this morning's test was to confirm the levels of that medicine in her blood.

So after two nights of crying every 2 hours and going to bed too late, she was sound asleep at 7:15 when the phlebotomist came in to take blood. She flipped on the super bright light and Selene started yelling "Light off!' And covering her face with Zibo. Then she asked for her sun glasses. That would have been so cute if I hadn't been so distraught for her.  She cried during her blood draw, for the first time in 8 months.

So we survived the blood draw, a little bit of nausea and puking during breakfast (nothing that the nurse couldn't fix with anti-nausea medicine) and were enjoying our morning. I checked MyChop and saw that they scheduled us for a 1:00pm procedure tomorrow. Of course they did. Still keeping my fingers crossed that the same 8am magic that happened last week will happen tomorrow.

But this time, they will be putting a PICC in her arm and removing her Broviac. Apparently it's too dangerous to manipulate, rewire or put in a new Broviac when her counts are low. So "tubies" will now be in her arm. As soon as the doctors left I burst into tears. I thought that the Broviac in her chest would make it so she couldn't sleep and play and be happy and she's doing great. But something about it being in her arm (and the fact that they said its a bit more uncomfortable) was just one more thing I feel she'll have to be uncomfortable with.

She was bopping to the Care Bears theme song and she looked at me and asked "What happened?" when she saw me crying. I know that this is one more thing we'll get through and in a few days it will be fine. But I always fear change.

I can't get my morning coffee fix. That would really help things. I think I might cave and ask a nurse to watch her while I run down to Dr. Coffee. It's not quite as good as Starbucks but it's better than the free coffee in the lounge.

On top of all of this I know that she is starting to feel the effects of her low counts and her body working overtime to get things squared away inside. Prayers for her comfort, that we'll survive a day of not eating and that she acclimates well to her new arm tubies.

Even faith and courage stumble every now and then, right?